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Well you guys finally get some meat to chew on, but pardon me if I get to literal.
Up to high school, I really can't remember my life ever being unhappy. Everything just came together really well, and I hadn't reached a point where problems on the outside finally made their way in. Well sometime during sophomore year it all went down hill, and by it I'm talking about my life. I was a good student, a good friend, just a good guy to be around overall. Then for some reason I to this day can't figure out, my motivation to live life just flat out up and left. Every reason I had to excel at school and to be outgoing and sociable vanished from my life. I secluded to my room, playing Doom for an unimaginable amount of hours and I had the biggest god damn crush on a girl in my biology class. I went on to have a crush on her for three years until I decided to tell her, which lead to me being a complete moron.
I became this indecisive fool who continued to lack motivation, determination, and will in much anything that truly required it; ie school work (though my job at the mall certainly was affected by this). I miracously managed to graduated high school, got into college, and the downward spiral just kept going.
So fast foward 6 years and here I am, 24 years old, sitting at home in a room full of fucking figurines, comic books, video games, typing my frustration out because I can't think of much anything else to do. I keep running to these to get my mind off at how dull and stupid I am, at how much my family probably dislikes me being around. My sister's 20 and she's already working with my uncle and making more than I ever did. Her college life is great. My younger fifteen year old sister is absolute kicking ass in high school, she'll probably do the best out of anyone in the family, we all have high hopes for her. But I'm just HERE, dead weight. My mother can't be like, Oh yeah my son helps out at the bagel store and plays fucking video games while reading japanese comics. Shit, it's like I can't let go. And I enjoy this shit too, but I keep putting them ahead of the important things (job hunting) in the same way an alcoholic would drink his sorrows away. God damn I'm a sorry ass excuse for a man.
I have school loans to pay off, but I'm unemployed (again), and I hate it, it's the worst I've ever felt in my life. I have friends who are already married, living on their own, still in college, and there's practically nothing I can feel good about it. I have an extremely low self esteem, no confidence in what I do, and the lack of motivation, determination, and will are still null and void.
I swear I'm an extremely nice, shy guy, but I keep making up these excuses, I keep procrastinating, and for the fucking life of me I can't take that ONE step I need to kick myself in the ass because I keep praying someone else will do it for me.
I've said it more times than I can count, but for the first time it's the cold hard truth.
I hate my life.
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